War of Nerves
by Aesa Bast
Summary: Seto Kaiba does some soulsearching amidst some general JtHMesque griping over life's unfairness.


Author's Note: I was in a fight with a friend of mine and feeling incredibly depressed since I pissed him off. Yes, sometimes I actually do get upset after pissing somebody off. Anyway, despite the fact that he most likely hates me now, and doesn't appear to have liked Yu-Gi-Oh at any point in time (and don't come yelling at me for that, because I love the show), I decided to write this fic and dedicate it to him. 

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh or its characters.

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"War of Nerves"

By: Aesa Bast

I don't understand what's been going on lately... I know I'm not the biggest socialite around, but I did have a small circle of friends. That's right, "did". I feel alone now, with the others always too busy to bother with me.

It's strange, though. It used to be that I preferred to be alone and not have to bother with the mercurial emotions of others. Things are changing... I am changing... I can feel the emptiness and it hurts...

Maybe I should say I'm changing again. I remember when I was young... I enjoyed the company of others, sought it out in fact. I used to laugh at the thought of being like that young person again... loathed every time I had to look at the photos of that youth again. But it must be happening... I'm feeling lonely again... I hate it. I hate feeling alone again, feeling like I want friends only to be rejected again. Why! Why must I be alone again when I thought things were finally going to look up for me? The gods truly are cruel...

I don't even know who I am anymore... or did I ever? I thought I did. I thought I was the person who didn't care, who was alone and proud of it. I thought I was above needing emotions and people to share them with... above everything except sitting here at my computer, typing shit. Yes, it's all shit... Tea was right. I hate to admit that the bubblehead was right about anything, but she was this time.

They hate me, of course. Why shouldn't they, after all I've put them though... even my brother hates me now. I thought that at least I had him, he's the only one who had a piece of my heart for so long... but I drove even him away finally. He can no longer stand me, after what I've done to the others. He likes them all and they like him... and now they all, including him, my brother, hate me.

When our parents died, I promised Mokuba that I would always take care of him. A fine job I've done of that - leaving him to be kidnapped by Pegasus and then not following his advice when it came to my business associates. Oh no! Business comes before even my younger brother! And what did it get me? I was a prisoner in my own virtual reality game and had to be rescued by Mokuba and, of all people, Yugi Mouto.

Yugi... the boy only wanted to be my friend and I act like he's my greatest enemy because he beat me at Duel Monsters. I take it so seriously, and I've caught myself laughing maniacally when I think I've discovered a way to regain my title. It frightens me. I hope I'm not turning into Pegasus. But back to Yugi Mouto himself... if I am going to be truly serious about all of this, I should take stock in what truly matters.

1) My brother, Mokuba... I have to find a way to make up to him all of the damage I've caused because of my actions. I allowed certain actions take place in Battle City that I should not have. I also should have followed his advice about removing my treacherous business associates sooner rather than later.

2) KaibaCorp... those same men who wanted to take over my company wanted Pegasus to beat Yugi in a duel as part of their business deal because of how he beat me. I took that loss very hard, as did they. I was actually angry at them for taking it as much to heart as I did myself? I must have a fragile ego...

3) Duel Monsters... I take great pride in my deck and how I can successfully defeat... most people. It still pains me that I could never beat Yugi (without "forcing his hand" through suicidal stunts) and actually needed his help in the virtual world. However, can I really spend the rest of my life wracking over this? From both what I've seen and heard, Yugi and Joey take their duels with each other both seriously and lightly. When they duel, they go all-out, however, afterward, they are still the best of friends. As much as I hate to admit it, perhaps I should try to be more like that. With Mokuba safe now and both Duelist Kingdom and Battle City past, it's no longer a matter of life and death.

I think, for the moment, that is everything.

The question now is what do I do now? What do I say? Even if I am going back to the person I used to be, it won't be a perfect transformation. I still have these scars from my past... my parents' death, living at the orphanage, the mistreatment at the hands of my foster father... and even more recently, the betrayal of my business associates, the not being there for my brother when he needed me... I'm not the innocent I used to be. And that is something I can never recover. I can only hope to salvage my relationship with Mokuba...

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Author's Closing Note: Yeah, that wasn't the most satisfying close, but the question of how to salvage damaged or broken relationships isn't an easy one to answer. Maybe I'll add a chapter if someone gives me good advice. 


End file.
